you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
