Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm too high and old for this...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
