yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize