I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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