In the future we'll all be gay
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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