just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
