It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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