Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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