Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
