if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
