i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
