I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So squirting runs in the family.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
