end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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