I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
