You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
