I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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