He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
