Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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