I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
