When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
