Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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