I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
this just has baby written all over it
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
