There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Everclear isn't food dammit
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
