he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
