90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
