he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
