how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
