How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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