too bad you live with your parents still
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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