Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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