I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
