I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just had sex on a roof
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
