If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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