He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
