Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
