and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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