Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
