we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
