My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
