i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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