i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
