if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
