Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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