she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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