That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
