he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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