I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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