I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
