I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
