You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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