"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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